Yuliia Yarmolenko: "Sex education begins at birth"
Kyiv • UNN
Yuliia Yarmolenko, psychologist, expert in sexual education and author of the books "For Kids About Intimate Things" and "No Nonsense About First Periods".
Sexual education of children is a topic that still raises many questions for parents. When to start talking to a child about intimate things? How to properly explain the processes of puberty? What to do if a child comes across pornographic content?
UNN was answered by Yulia Yarmolenko, psychologist, expert in sexual education and author of the books "Little Ones about Intimate Things" and "No Nonsense about First Periods". Yulia is a speaker at My Fest — the first festival in Ukraine dedicated to mental health and sexual culture, which will be held on March 29-30 at Pochayna Event Hall.
The festival will discuss such important topics as finding motivation to live, maintaining relationships at a distance, accepting oneself and a partner with traumas and injuries, open dialogue between parents and children in the context of war, as well as the value of the "here and now" moment.
In our interview, Yulia Yarmolenko shares practical tips on how to build a healthy system of sexual education for children and avoid typical mistakes in the process.
- When to start talking to a child about sex?
"Talking about sex" is a very broad concept. Sexual education begins at birth and is based on safety and health topics. Therefore, if parents do not talk about these topics in preschool age, then from the age of 8-9, the child will no longer want such conversations.
- What and how to tell at what age?
The rules of underwear should be gradually learned from 2-3 years to 8 years, the rules of intimate hygiene - care for the genitals and anus - children should learn by the age of 5.
Information about growing up should be obtained by the age of 7-8, because puberty now begins earlier in both girls and boys. Books about the structure of the body can be read from 2-3 years. Fortunately, there are several dozen such books in Ukrainian for different ages.
- Can a child see naked parents? Should I show pictures of genitals and if so, at what age?
Naked parents are a violation and blurring of a child's personal boundaries. This often increases the risk of violence from other adults. Because when a child constantly sees naked bodies and genitals, they simply will not realize that something bad or dangerous is happening. In addition, naked parents and the rules of underwear contradict each other. Genitals can be shown in children's books - they are drawn there taking into account the child's age.
- I have seen models of genitals that are supposedly used for children's sexual education, but they are, for example, crocheted and supposedly depict the organs in detail, but at the same time they do not look quite realistic. What is your attitude to such visual aids and should they be used?
Yes, it is worth it. The younger the children, the less realistic the genitals should be depicted or made. In European countries, where there is sex education, such models are also used in schools.
- When to start talking about what menstruation is and what puberty is? And what if the first menstruation came very early - the parents did not have time to prepare the child.
In Ukraine, up to 5% of girls have their period at 8-9 years old. Therefore, you need to talk about breast growth, vaginal discharge, menstruation at 6-8 years. This is the best period, because girls are interested in pads, tampons, they often ask adults questions "What is this? What is it for?". And it is important to honestly and clearly explain everything about menstruation and menstrual hygiene. The same applies to boys - they also need to know what menstruation is. If you did not have time to prepare the girl for menstruation, you should tell her as soon as the period starts. Reassure, provide comprehensive information, buy a few books on the topic. Puberty also starts earlier in boys now, so such conversations should be held with them no later than 7-9 years old.
What if parents can't talk to their child about sex? What to do in this case?
Books are always a good option. It is much easier to read than to try to answer difficult questions on your own, when there is a feeling of discomfort or shame. Parents must first read all the books themselves, and then with the child. If it's difficult: practice in front of the mirror. It is irresponsible to remove responsibility for the safety and health of the child. No one will teach the child personal boundaries or safety rules. Up to the age of 10 - this is the responsibility of the parents.
- Let's simulate a situation when a child (now we are talking about a child before adolescence) accidentally or even deliberately, having heard something somewhere, saw pornographic content. What should parents do in such cases?
You need to talk about pornography before the child sees adult content. And she will definitely see it, even in elementary school. There is a good book for this - "Good Pictures, Bad Pictures" by Kristen A. Jackson. It is structured as a dialogue between a mother and son, where the mother explains that there is content on the Internet that can upset children. Why you shouldn't watch it and what to do if you come across such videos. Unfortunately, children most often do not admit to their parents that they have already seen porn. They are afraid of condemnation, punishment. If adults see that the child is watching such content, the advice is the same - talk about why you should not watch videos 18+, what it threatens for the child or teenager, how it causes addiction.
- How does the early start of sexual life affect the lives of teenagers and what should parents do if they learn about the sexual life of their children?
This question can only be answered by research. All teenagers are different, and it affects them differently. The main thing here is that the first sex in minors is by mutual consent and without any negative consequences. Once I conducted a survey on my instablog: what is the reason that your first sex was before the age of 16? The first answer was - "I didn't feel that my parents loved me. So I went to look for love through sex". The second - "Manipulation, not enough strength to say "no". And the third - "I wanted to. It was interesting, because there is a lot of talk about it in society, as about something important, fantastic - so the advertising worked".
What myths in the field of sex are most common in our society?
That it is a basic human need, and sex is necessary for health. And that sex is necessarily penile-vaginal contact with orgasm by both partners. No, sex is a variety of sexual practices, and each couple decides for themselves what and how is best for them.
- Outline the most important thing that a child should get from sexual education?
Understanding that there are adults to whom she can always turn with any questions and problems. And they will not condemn, will not punish, but will support and help.
- Do you know how the promotion of the introduction of sexual education in schools is going? Does the Ministry of Education and Science support the initiative to introduce this subject?
Yes, this issue is being promoted. I can't say more yet.
