When is it really worth changing a child’s school, and how can this transition be made without unnecessary stress?
Kyiv • UNN
A first-grader’s adaptation may take up to three months. A transfer should be discussed with the child and decided upon after clarifying the reasons.
The start of the school year does not go smoothly for all children. It can be especially difficult for first-graders, teenagers, and students transferring to a new school. Psychologist Olha Holubytska, who has 16 years of experience working with children and adults, told UNN journalist in more detail how to distinguish normal adaptation from a situation in which it would truly be better for a child to change schools, and how to properly discuss such a step with them.
Details
According to the psychologist, after entering first grade, a child needs time to get used to the new conditions, so adaptation can take up to three months, and certain changes in behavior during this period do not necessarily indicate problems at school.
In first grade, children adapt to learning. Adaptation of up to three months is considered normal. That is, during this period, a child may be getting used to a new stage. This does not mean that absolutely every child needs exactly three months. But during this time, we will consider it normal if a child behaves differently than usual. They may not want to go to school, and it may be difficult for them — all of this may be part of the adaptation process
The psychologist advises parents of younger children to pay particular attention to the child's relationship with the teacher. In her view, in the early grades, the teacher has a major influence on how a student perceives learning and school in general.
With first-graders, we should probably talk in advance about the fact that, first and foremost, the child should like not the school but the teacher. This is because in the early grades and preschool education, a great deal depends specifically on the teacher. The school may be wonderful, but the child's adaptation will depend to a significant extent on the teacher
At the same time, conflict between parents and a teacher can also affect the child. Therefore, the psychologist advises adults to assess not only the student's behavior but also how the teacher communicates with the family, whether they provide information about the child, and how they respond when problems arise.
If the parents do not like the teacher or, for example, the teacher does not like the parents, the child will suffer in the end regardless. If the parents and the teacher have been unable to agree on something and conflicts have begun, this will primarily be evident in their communication: how the teacher contacts the parents, what she tells them, whether she provides information or not, whether she is satisfied with the cooperation or, on the contrary, dissatisfied
It is also important to consider situations in which a child talks about conflicts at school. Olha Holubytska emphasizes that it is important to trust the child, but conclusions should not be drawn solely from their first account.
I have always supported trusting children, but we must not forget that they have an imagination. When they do not know how to tell you about their discomfort or their lack of understanding of why they have to attend this school, they may begin to exaggerate certain stories
For teenagers, the question of changing schools can be even more complicated. According to the expert, if a child has been bullied for a long time, transferring to another school may indeed be a good idea.
For example, when there has been bullying, but it was not possible to stand up for the child, and stereotypes about them have already spread throughout the school, while the school does not give the child a chance for a new reality. In such a case, it is indeed safer to transfer the child to another school. They will be able to start communicating with a clean slate — without the prejudices and labels that may have been attached to them
At the same time, the decision to transfer should not be made based on just one isolated signal, the expert says. First, it is necessary to speak with the child, the homeroom teacher, other teachers, and, if necessary, other parents in order to form a complete picture of the situation.
First, we need to obtain answers from the child, the homeroom teacher, other teachers, parents, and other children. Only after we have formed this complete picture can we draw conclusions, because drawing conclusions based on just one factor means risking making things even worse for the child
She also pays attention to the student's behavior. Changes in a child's mood and behavior do not necessarily indicate problems specifically at school, so, once again, it is important to find out the reason.
If I mention some signs now, they may not be related to problems at school. We cannot know whether the child has actually encountered difficulties at school or, for example, is having problems in a friendship, especially in the case of teenagers. A child may behave in the same way in any stressful situation: either withdrawing into themselves or becoming overly explosive—that is, displaying intense reactions or taking actions that are not usually characteristic of them
Olha Holubytska names trusting relationships as one of the main ways to understand what is happening with a child. This is not only about asking direct questions about school, but also about spending time together without phones, when the child can relax and bring up what is troubling them on their own.
The best way to understand that something is wrong with your child is to build a trusting relationship. A trusting relationship, time together, necessarily without phones. We go for a walk somewhere, we go somewhere together, we do things together, and then there is a chance that at some point the child will relax, see the connection and trust, and may suddenly tell you something they have wanted to say for a long time but did not dare to
However, if the change of school was caused by a move or other circumstances, the psychologist advises first explaining the situation to the child calmly and honestly, at a moment when there is already contact between the parents and the child and a calm atmosphere.
The conversation should take place after everyone has had a good walk and eaten. This is actually very important: not before eating, but when you have already eaten—you have relaxed, and you all feel good. The situation is like this, the atmosphere is pleasant and trusting, you are all lying around talking about something or watching a movie, and then you can pause the movie and say: I have wanted to talk to you about something for a very long time
Olha Holubytska also emphasized that during such a conversation, the child's emotions should not be invalidated, because even a forced transfer to another school may be perceived as the loss of a familiar environment, friends, and important relationships.
Everything should be said honestly and gently, with your own feelings, and the child should be allowed to express any feelings they have. You should not try to reassure them by saying: "Don't worry, everything will be fine." Do not use these invalidating phrases: "Don't cry, everything will be fine, what's wrong with you, you'll find friends." These are all invalidating phrases
Instead, if parents believe that the school is having a negative impact on the teenager, the decision should also be discussed with them. The child needs to be told why the adults see a problem, have their position heard, and discuss possible options.
It can never be an ultimatum about transferring the child; in other words, there must be an honest conversation with them. For example: "I want to talk to you about your school. I have been observing the environment there for a year now, where many children your age smoke, drink, or use drugs, and we can see this. And this is not the environment you need, but I understand that it may seem different to you; let's talk about it"
According to the expert, after the transfer, the child will still have to adapt to the new environment. Therefore, the psychologist advises not to leave the student alone to cope with this period and, if necessary, to involve the school psychologist.
If you transfer your child to another school, you need to understand that they will have to go through another adjustment period, which may also last a long time, while the problems that caused the difficulties at the previous school will most likely not disappear—which means that support will most likely be needed, and perhaps even a psychologist
The main thing, says Olha Holubytska, is not to pull the child out of one school and immediately place them in another without explanations or a conversation. Parents should gather information from various sources, listen to the child, and show them that their opinion is respected, even if the final decision remains with the adults.
It is very important not to pressure or humiliate them, and not to become a tyrant who simply puts this child in a situation where there is no choice. You are saying, "Even though you are my child and I am responsible for you, I make the decisions, but I leave you room for your human rights—to be respected, to have space, to talk, and to be heard and accepted"