
Barriers to a life without violence: why it is difficult to leave an abuser
Kyiv • UNN
The psychologist spoke about the main barriers that prevent people from leaving violent relationships. The expert explained how to communicate with victims and where to seek help.
Unconditional acceptance and love in the family are the basic needs of everyone. However, in abusive relationships, these needs are not just ignored. The abuser systematically destroys the partner's self-esteem, destroys personality boundaries, affects mood, and even poses a threat to health and life.
Olena Nadtochiy, a psychologist and specialist of the mobile social and psychological assistance team, told UNN journalist why people can ignore their need for acceptance and love and why they endure abuse from their partners for years, as well as how to help a person take a step and break the cycle of violence.
I. THE MAIN REASONS WHY PEOPLE DO NOT SEEK HELP
Shame and guilt
The first reason why a victim does not seek help is the lack of internal support. A person with a long experience of violent relationships has low self-esteem (a distorted sense of self-worth). Also, the abusive partner, by constantly criticizing, makes them feel shame and guilt.
“Neither shame nor guilt in an abusive relationship is objective. We are only responsible for the things we say and do. But the non-victim makes a choice: to beat or not to beat, to humiliate or not to humiliate - it is entirely the choice and responsibility of the abuser,” Nadtochiy explains.
According to her, when the partner with the advantage in psychological stability systematically criticizes and emphasizes the shortcomings of the other party, it can make a person believe that he or she provoked the violence and “deserves” such treatment. Perpetrators often point to the “emotional nature” of the other party.
“Typical phrases may include: “You are the one who is behaving inadequately”, ‘You are the one who is too emotional’. At the same time, the abuser may not 'explode with emotions' at all, but simply come and hit you,” Nadtochiy comments.
The expert emphasizes that mutual accusations and lack of acceptance can be the result of recent traumas (for example, caused by war).
“When a man or woman returns from a combat zone with certain mental problems, communication, even in families that had great relationships, changes dramatically. Therefore, when we talk about self-worth, it means unconditional acceptance of a person, his or her black and white sides, because everyone has them. What we tend to call “negative personality traits” is a very subjective category. For someone it can be a “negative side” and for someone else it can be a “highlight”. That's why it's always about dialog,” says the psychologist.
Stigmatization of a person who suffers from violence
In many societies, cultures, and mentalities, violence is a “family affair.” In particular, in Ukraine, the so-called culture of non-interference still exists. Accordingly, a victim may endure violence for years because she is afraid of public condemnation for “destroying the family.
“The most traumatic thing is the judgment of loved ones. Family members, neighbors, and friends often have a negative attitude toward divorce, especially if the couple has children. A woman who expresses her intention to divorce can become the object of condemnation and stigmatization,” Nadtochiy explains.
The expert adds that women often fear that they will not be able to provide for themselves and their children. At the same time, some of them work and sometimes even support the abuser. Also, many women are held back by the fear of “depriving their children of a father,” because there is still some help from the abusive husband.
“It happens that the victim simply justifies his or her inability to leave the cycle of violence. Unfortunately, no one asks children if they want to have an abuser as a father. Although they should. Violence witnessed by children undoubtedly affects their worldview, forming a distorted concept of “norms” in family and partnership relations,” the expert emphasizes.
Condemnation of the victim (victimization)
Our society still has a destructive habit of condemning victims. It is manifested when a person is accused of provoking violent acts - by their appearance, manner of communication, or any other manifestation. Such accusations are often made against victims of sexual violence.
“When I worked in a social service, I witnessed a raped woman being accused by the suspect's mother. Allegedly, she was dressed provocatively and was intoxicated. To demonstrate the absurdity of the idea, I asked the woman how many times in her life she herself had thought of forcing girls in short skirts who were drinking alcohol to have intimate relations. No one deliberately provokes violence - no one wants to be beaten, raped, or killed,” the psychologist emphasizes. She adds that the behavior of the victim does not matter in violence.
The role of misogyny (dismissive, prejudiced attitude towards women - ed.), which is still present in society, is dangerous: prejudices are applied to women that would never be “tried on” men.
Violence becomes the “norm”
As the psychologist explains, when a person strives for more than they have, they have to leave the so-called “comfort zone.” However, this does not mean that this “zone” is only good. Quite often, it is a familiar, predictable state of affairs in which a person is ready to continue to endure problems, inconveniences, or even pain and fear for the sake of a sense of imaginary stability.
“The victims' 'comfort zone' is violence. And in order to go beyond this destructive limit, many difficult actions need to be taken. The defense mechanisms of the psyche work very strongly - a person is panicked by changes, because he/she cannot predict the circumstances, is not sure whether his/her life will change if he/she seeks help, whether he/she can cope on his/her own. Therefore, they often stay in a situation where there is violence, but it is familiar and predictable,” Nadtochiy explains.
Lack of information
Many survivors do not know where to turn for help, or whether it is even possible to address requests such as theirs. Having an unstable, distorted self-esteem, people who suffer from violence often devalue their problem.
II. TWO IMPORTANT STEPS TO LEAVE A VIOLENT RELATIONSHIP
According to the psychologist, in order to get out of the “circle of violence,” the victim must identify the problem itself. The inability to say “no” can often serve as a marker of violence.
“When a person feels that they cannot refuse, when certain emotions and guilt are imposed on them, but they do nothing about it, then their self-esteem and self-esteem begin to sink,” Nadtochiy lists. She also advises to pay attention to the fact that a person who is experiencing violence often finds excuses for the offender and blames himself, thinking: “maybe I'm not that good,” ”maybe I deserve to be treated this way.
“A person realizes that there is a problem, but fear and doubt stop them from breaking this cycle of violence,” the psychologist explains.
Nadtochiy notes that when a person already understands that he or she is in a “circle of violence,” he or she needs to be explained the reasons and mechanisms of the formation of barriers (fear, dependence) that stop him or her from liberation.
“We can talk about self-esteem, the cause-and-effect relationships of the offender's behavior, the defense mechanisms of the psyche, and the learned helplessness syndrome, an extremely complex psychological condition when a person simply stops believing that he or she can influence the situation. He or she simply gives everything into the hands of others. And the person thinks that nothing will change anyway, even if they try,” Nadtochiy emphasizes.
The “prevention” of violence is important
The more people read specialized literature and watch programs about violence, the more likely they are to recognize it and break the cycle.
“Nowadays, a fairly wide range of women are aware of both abuse and misogyny. I really like how prevention affects people's worldview, their understanding of what is happening and what can happen if they continue to be in abusive relationships or commit violence against their children - often unconsciously, but because they were raised that way. Any situation where there is domestic violence is complicated, and getting out of it takes time and effort,” Nadtochiy says.
IV. HOW TO COMMUNICATE WITH PEOPLE WHO NEED HELP
The psychologist advises to take into account the following principles of dialog:
- A person suffering from domestic violence should be spoken to through the prism of unconditional acceptance, impartially, without judgment.
- It is necessary to convince a person to seek professional help, because where there is violence, it is often necessary not only to get help from caring people, but also from psychologists and other specialists.
- We should take into account “learned helplessness”. People who suffer from violence for a long time lose faith in themselves. In the long run, we have to teach people to believe in themselves again, to restore the path to an independent life without violence in small “steps”.
- You should be there to help with issues that seem difficult for the person, but not do everything for them. For example, survivors often cannot go out because they are afraid of rejection. In such a situation, it is better to help build clear plans, for example, to make arrangements: “At 9 a.m., for example, we will meet at the agreed place and do the following. If necessary, I will be there to help you.” But it is the victim who has to open the door, talk to the helpers, explain what she/he needs, etc;
- You need to ask for permission all the time. In the beginning, this will indeed be quite strange and be perceived with fear by the victims. For people who suffer from violence, it is strange to hear requests: can I help, can I hold your hand, etc. They are used to an environment where they are devalued, beaten, pushed, and guilt is constantly imposed. And here it turns out that it can be different. This is how a different concept of the norm is formed.
- Victims should be taught to understand their feelings and emotions and helped to talk through them. For example: “I can see that you are upset, I can see that something is confusing you. Am I right?”
What not to say to victims
Those who suffer from violence should not be told devaluing phrases, such as: “Why are you crying?”, “Is it really a problem?”, “Why don't you do anything?”, “Why are you always a victim?”.
“We need to help people express the emotions they feel. A person who suffers from violence may have many suppressed, unedited emotions that also arose as a result of the pain caused. And they need to understand them: identify triggers, cause and effect relationships. Subsequently, this will help to avoid emotional reactions due to a lack of understanding of oneself,” Nadtochiy advises. The expert emphasizes that in no case should one judge another person's potential based on their own experience.
“During therapy, we tell the person that it is not their fault, that they are a valuable person and do not deserve such treatment, but deserve respect and love. We also say that violence should never be “provoked” - the offenders are the ones who first attack, criticize, and devalue,” Nadtochiy adds.
V. WHERE TO LOOK FOR SUPPORT
Any act of violence is unjustifiable. If you or your loved ones are experiencing violence, seek help.
You can get advice around the clock and confidentially on one of two hotlines:
- 116 123 is a national hotline for the prevention of domestic violence, human trafficking and gender discrimination.
- 15 47 - government hotline for combating human trafficking, preventing and combating domestic violence, gender-based violence and violence against children.
You can also contact the nearest mobile team or day center for social and psychological assistance for support and ask for temporary shelter. For contacts and details of assistance services, please visit rozirvykolo.org.
All support services are provided free of charge.