Midlife crisis: how to understand what's happening to you and how to survive it?

A midlife crisis is not just a popular term, but a condition that affects career, relationships, self-esteem, and even health. Some people see it as a turning point, while others see it as a chance to start over.

UNN talked to Oksana Collins, a psychotherapist of crisis and transitional periods of life  , about the nature of this phenomenon, why it occurs, the main signs of a midlife crisis, and how to go through this period with ease. 

What is a midlife crisis and why does it occur? How long can it last? What are the main signs or symptoms of a midlife crisis? What external and internal factors most often trigger a midlife crisis?

This crisis is a certain internal process that can last for a certain period of time, indeed, within 35-45 years (sometimes later), characterized by a rethinking of the path taken and a reassessment of what has been achieved/realized and unrealized. It may be associated with an awareness of the transience of time and age-related changes.

A person may begin to notice that they no longer have as much energy and resources as they used to, that their body and abilities have their limits, that they may be more concerned about health problems, or that they may have certain reactions to stressful situations or workloads. 

Change, in general, scares us. Although they are a natural part of our lives, changes always contain uncertainty, which is a major source of anxiety and a threat to our psychological security. 

Therefore, when a person aged 35+ notices that their body is becoming less resilient, that they need more time to recover, that they cannot afford the things they used to do (for example, staying up until 3 am working on a project or relaxing somewhere and then going to work an 8-hour day), that there are changes in their appearance, it can be perceived not optimistically, of course, and even threateningly.

But this is not the only factor.  A separate reason for this crisis may be a point of some frustration with the way a person is moving and an inner feeling that they can't go on like this.  People often refer to this as an inner feeling that they can no longer cheat on themselves and force themselves to do things they don't really want to do. 

This can apply to professional employment and career, relationships, and general self-expression and life organization. 

Often, certain external changes or upheavals in a person's life can be a prerequisite for such an inner call. For example, cheating in a couple, separation and relocation of children, moving to another country, meeting classmates who have become more successful in terms of realizing their dreams and desires, problems at work, dismissal, loss of a partner due to death, diagnosis, etc. 

That is, some event occurs in a person's life that makes them experience a certain shock and think more about themselves, search for answers to questions: "Who am I now?", ‘Where am I going?’, ‘Where have I come?’. Or even purely social, some kind of socio-political circumstances can also become a prerequisite.  As we all experienced on February 24, a full-scale war.

And, of course, we can say that all these prerequisites can happen to a person under the age of 35 and provoke crisis experiences, feelings, and processes.  But it is at this age that it can be felt more painful and significant, given the factor of awareness of age-related changes and their irreversibility. 

A person may feel that he or she has less and less time to live, but he or she lacks strength, energy, and begins to realize his or her limitations, and thus has the feeling that the chance to realize what he or she wanted seems to be getting smaller and smaller, and this makes him or her very painful, and he or she experiences various feelings: sadness, disappointment, etc.

She feels the urge to take advantage of what seems to be the last chance (although, of course, it is not the last chance, more often it is all from reality, but it feels like it):  if I don't realize it now, if I don't do what is really mine, what I want, what my soul, my heart, my gut tells me, what people say, then that's it - I've lost this chance, I haven't realized it, it will be even more painful. 

That's why people grab this chance, they want these changes, and, of course, the crisis here is that people want these changes, but they may also be disoriented for some time, not understanding how to organize these changes, what they need to do, how to reshape their lives, their relationships, their careers, for example. 

And there's this feeling that time is running out and you have to hurry.  Of course, this generates anxiety, a desire to run, and this often makes it impossible to focus, to orientate oneself, you know, to give oneself enough time to think, to make some informed decisions, to see opportunities.  This rush can be limiting, and thus increase the tension and the feeling that one is losing one's chances.

How can a midlife crisis affect a person's self-esteem and emotional state?

It will also depend on a number of factors.  First, how a person will perceive this crisis period and themselves in it. 

Secondly, what experience did the person have in this crisis period (whether he or she had gone through something similar before, how did he or she cope with difficulties, whether there were already some changes in his or her life, how did he or she accept them, what scared him or her the most, where did he or she find support and encouragement to get through it).

In general, in my practice, I have noticed that people generally face 4 key feelings when facing a crisis: guilt, shame, anxiety, and powerlessness.   They can come in a complex, or one of them can be dominant, more peculiar to the person. 

In particular, a person with guilt may return to the question and feeling again and again: "I did/do something wrong". And this can certainly affect their attitude to themselves, their sense of self, and their self-esteem. 

The feeling of shame will be a signal of internal: "There is something wrong with me if I am at this point and my life is like this." This can strongly affect not only self-esteem, but also the sense of self-worth.  Feelings of powerlessness or helplessness are associated with the idea: "things are bad in my life and I don't know what to do about it."  It can, of course, also affect one's sense of coping, touching on self-esteem. 

How to distinguish a midlife crisis from depression or other psychological disorders?

I've noticed that when people share their difficulties, they often refer to them as either depression or crisis.  If they are having a very hard time internally: complicated feelings, confusion, lack of strength - they often say: "I have some kind of depression"/ "I am depressed." 

If, in addition to internal experiences, there are some external problems: the inability to make a decision, find a job, end or start a relationship, then we hear: "some kind of crisis in life", ‘black streak’. 

How can you tell what's wrong with you? I would advise you to see a specialist.  In fact, even psychotherapists cannot make ("give out") diagnoses; this is the job of a doctor (psychiatrist). 

But, here are a few signs that can help you navigate. 

The main signs of the crisis: 

• you wonder if you really lived the life you wanted to 
• you want to make changes (in your profession/place of residence, in your relationship/life style),
• You are in search of new meanings and goals,
• you experience emotional fluctuations (“emotional roller coaster”): from feelings of dissatisfaction, anxiety, sadness to episodes of increased motivation and energy.

The key is that you have a strong impulse to change from time to time (sometimes people say: "I'm itching to change my life or situation today, but something is stopping me") 

As for depression, it is worth seeking diagnosis from a specialist if you: 

• feel depressed for a long time (more than 2 weeks on a regular basis), 
• you have a feeling of hopelessness (it seems that the situation/period you are in now will never end, there will be no improvement), 
• you have no desire to do anything (even your favorite things that used to bring you pleasure or joy do not please you now), 
• you have a lack of energy, barely enough to do even everyday routine tasks, 
• sleep problems, sleep disturbances (you sleep a lot or very little, it is difficult to fall asleep and/or wake up), 
• you have a deep feeling that you are to blame for all the troubles in your life and you cannot fix or change anything, 
• loss of appetite, weight loss, physical pain, weakness in the body and muscles. 

Depression is often described as life losing its color, as if everything has become gray. 

As for other disorders, there may be a lot of things and it should be diagnosed by a specialist, but I want to draw attention to a few points. 

It is definitely worth contacting a specialistif: 

-   feelings of dissatisfaction or sadness (or other complex psycho-emotional state) lasts more than a few months,

- The desire to live disappears, there are ideas of self-harm or a feeling of constant hopelessness,

- basic functions are impaired: sleep, eating, work, social contacts. 

How does the midlife crisis affect family relationships?

Like any other crisis, this one can also affect and influence the sphere of relationships.  First, because the partner or other family members may not understand what is happening at all. 

In addition, living through a crisis is not an immediately obvious process for the person.  For some time, a person may experience certain feelings: irritation, inner turmoil, confusion. 

In particular: "I'm not myself," ‘I can't find a place for myself,’ ‘I started to have strong claims to myself,’ ‘everyone started to piss me off,’ ‘who are all these people around me,’ my clients said.  Therefore, relationships can be difficult and conflicts can arise. 

In addition, a person experiencing a midlife crisis may suddenly realize that they are not satisfied with the quality of the relationship they have with their partner, family, or in general. 

He or she may feel more and more that there are a number of needs that are not being realized in them. In particular, the need for security may be closed: there is a sense of security, confidence, but there is no room for the need for influence or emotional intimacy.

Such processes can invite a person to either try to get it from a partner or choose a strategy of distancing, ignoring, looking for opportunities to satisfy these needs in other relationships, etc. 

Is it possible to prepare for a midlife crisis to make it easier?

There are several aspects that we can take care of, and this will definitely help us prepare for the crisis period, go through it easier or avoid it. 

• Regularly check internal expectations with reality and strive to stay in reality.   It sounds simple, but it's more complicated in life, but it helps to avoid too many painful disappointments. 

To do this, it will be useful to periodically ask yourself: "What do I want?", ‘Does my life correspond to my values?’, "Am I doing this because I want to, do I need it or is it just for someone else?"

• Set short-term and long-term goals that matter to you, not just to others.

•  Take care of your physical and mental health. 

It seems trivial, but believe me, only a small percentage of people realize this base.  If this is not about you, and you don't know what to do, start with something simple: drink a glass of water in the morning, go for a walk in the evening, or stop eating too much fatty fried food. 

In terms of mental health, simple small steps can be: starting to attach importance to your feelings, learning to express them, finding your own safe way of emotional relief. 

Can physical activity, hobbies or travel help overcome the crisis?

And why not) I don't think it's a one-size-fits-all recipe, but these things can definitely have a positive impact.  Why it can help, there are several options here. 

Traveling helps you take yourself out of your usual context. Of course, there's a belief that wherever we go, we take ourselves with us.  But there is a trick for the brain to work here, because when new stimuli appear (in general, this is about new hobbies and physical activity as well), the brain starts to work a little differently, and this already takes us out of the usual way of thinking, sometimes the loopiness that may have occurred, thus giving space for creative solutions, a better sense of self, and a broader vision of the situation. 

Could this period be an impetus for changes in life, for example, that a person will completely change his or her type of activity and environment?

Yes, of course. The crisis, the experience of the crisis, is precisely the process in which a person seeks change. And with proper attention to this process, to oneself in this process, there is a significant chance to understand and feel: what kind of changes I need now. 

This period of transformation can be quite uncomfortable, which is why a person may make some hasty or impulsive decisions, abruptly changing their life. 

But these are not the most common cases; we can see them in movies.  Most people have a number of circumstances in their lives that prevent them from making such radical changes, but nevertheless, a person can come to qualitative changes in their life through a crisis. And these changes will be profound if the decision is conscious and made deep inside, in accordance with what is important to the person. 

Instead of acting in a hurry, it's important to take time to reflect, seek support from loved ones or professionals to help organize plans and reduce stress. It is also helpful to break down large goals into smaller, more achievable steps, which will reduce pressure and help you stay focused.

Do all people experience a midlife crisis? Is it possible to avoid it?

No, it's not a mandatory life option. 

I was curious to see if there was any research showing whether this crisis is universal. I found that it is not, and not all people experience it. Some factors make certain people more susceptible to this phenomenon, while others can go through this period of life without much upheaval.

Here is one of the interesting statistical facts: "According to research by psychologist Margaret Van Norman, only about 10-20% of people experience the classic signs of a midlife crisis (anxiety, depression, life dissatisfaction)." 

A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology shows that many people do not have a clear "crisis period". Instead, they go through changes gradually.

If we add about the personal factorsthat make people more prone to experiencing a crisis in this period of life, they are: 

• High expectations from life and demanding of oneself; 
• Difficulty in appropriating one's achievements and a sense of inadequacy; 
• Tendency to focus on failures and increased interval locus of control (i.e., the tendency to take responsibility and blame for everything) 

Among the traits that help to avoid a crisisor make it easier to get through it are: 

• flexibility of thinking - the ability to look at a situation from different angles and accept changes more easily, seeing them as more potential opportunities than threats, 
• strong and stable social ties with a sufficient level of trust and support 
• the ability to ask for help and allow oneself to rely on another close person in difficult moments, 
• a focus on development, when a person looks at his or her own life as a space for development and movement forward, the ability to see their age as an opportunity for growth, not the end of youth or life
• constant care for physical and mental health. 

What are the main fears or worries that arise during this period

In addition to the already described fear of age-related changes and their irreversibility and the fear of not having time to realize the plans, this period can also be disturbed by the fear of loneliness.  By the way, this fear often leads to an internal conflict between daring to make changes, following your inner call, and the fear that others, especially your close environment, will not understand, judge, or turn away. This fear can be a strong deterrent to moving in the desired direction in general, and especially during this period. 

There may be a fear, on the contrary, that everything will remain as it is, that there will no longer be room for joy, pleasure, inspiration, happiness. 

What books or resources would you recommend to better understand this period?

Books about the midlife crisis

 1. "Переходи: Передбачувані кризи дорослого життя"

Author: Gail Sheehy

 - One of the classic books describing the life stages of growing up, including the midlife crisis. The author explores how people go through key periods of change and how to find balance during this time.

 - Suitable for those who want to understand that crisis is a natural part of life.

 2. "Падіння вгору: Духовність для двох половин життя"

Author: Richard Rohr

 - This book looks at the midlife crisis as an opportunity for spiritual growth. The author argues that the second half of life can be much more profound if we see change as an opportunity.

 3. "Midlife: A Philosophical Guide"

Author: Kieran Setiya

 - A philosophical approach to the midlife crisis. The author offers practical advice and reflects on how to focus on what is really important.

 4. "Крива щастя: Чому життя стає кращим після 50"

Author: Jonathan Rauch

 - The author explores how happiness changes throughout life. He shows that the midlife crisis is not the end, but a natural part of a curved curve, after which happiness increases again.

 5. "Переходи: Осмислення життєвих змін"

Author: William Bridges

 - This book looks at transitions in life, including midlife, and helps you understand how to better adapt to change.

6. "Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

It is one of the most famous books that has become a symbol of self-discovery during life crises, including midlife crisis.

The author talks about her own experience when, going through a personal crisis after a divorce, she embarked on a journey to find herself and understand what she really wanted from life.

It shows that change is possible even when everything seems to be falling apart. 

Practical books:

 1. "Проектування свого життя: як побудувати повноцінне, радісне життя"

Authors: Bill Burnett and Dave Evans

 - This book helps you rethink your life goals and create a plan for a new stage of life. It is especially useful for those who are looking for new opportunities in their career or personal life.

 2. "Атомарні звички: Простий & перевірений спосіб сформувати хороші звички & позбутися поганих"

Author: James Clear

 - Helps you focus on small changes that can improve your quality of life and help you in times of crisis.

 3. "Man's Search for Meaning"

Author: Victor Frankl

 - A psychological classic that helps you find meaning in difficult times. Although it is not specifically about midlife crisis, its ideas resonate with how to overcome difficult moments.

Online resources and articles

 1. TED Talks platform

 - View the following speeches:

 - "Що робить життя хорошим? Уроки найдовшого дослідження щастя" (Роберт Волдінгер).

 - "The Power of Vulnerability" (Brené Brown).

Films and documentaries

 1. "Wild" (2014)

 - The story of a woman who decides to go through a difficult path (physically and psychologically) after a crisis

 2. "The Bucket List" (2007)

 - An inspiring movie about how to change your attitude to life in the second half of it.

1. “A Man Called Ove (2015)  A Swedish film about a gloomy man who finds a new meaning in his relationships with his neighbors after a personal crisis.

What advice would you give to those who are afraid of the future after the age of 40?

It is absolutely normal to feel fear about the future. 

I would advise you to recognize this fear, if you want, look deeper into it (what exactly it concerns), and support yourself at the stage or moments of living this fear. 

In addition, as we said above, you can "lay straws for yourself": take care of your health, figure out your values, what is really important to you, and review your life to see what supports you, how you went through various difficulties in your life, what was and is your support. 

Think about change in terms of it being a natural part of our lives. 

And also about the fact that there are always things in life that are under your control (for example, your attitude to change), that you only partially influence (for example, your health and well-being), and that do not depend on you at all (some external circumstances, in particular). 

Focus on what you can do and what you have influence over. 

You can also work on your thinking. 

If you notice that you intimidate yourself with the idea that it is too late to do or change something, that you are somehow different, try to reframe this into a question that will give you the opportunity to set a realistic goal for yourself: "What can I do now to move in the direction I want to go?"

A good option would be to surf the net and look for inspiring examples of those who live their lives after 40 in a full, vibrant, and happy way. 

- Julia Child became a chef at the age of 50.

- Vera Wang started her career as a wedding dress designer at the age of 40.

 - Harriet Thompson ran a marathon at the age of 92

I personally know a lot of women who have radically changed their lives after 40. And these were wonderful changes! Some of them are my good friends and acquaintances. 

You can also give your brain an alternative.  If there is a place for fears and negative scenarios, then to be fair, there must be a positive one. So, allow yourself to imagine, to dream, how you see your life in 10 years.