How to recognize toxic communication and protect your own boundaries

The term "toxic communication" is increasingly appearing on social media, in psychological blogs, and in everyday conversations, but not every conflict or misunderstanding indicates an unhealthy relationship. For more details on how to recognize toxic communication, why people do not always notice the problem, and when to consider ending such relationships, psychologist Maria Tsanko told UNN specifically.

Toxic communication does not arise suddenly, the psychologist says. Most often, it forms gradually and manifests through repeated behavioral patterns that a person begins to perceive as the norm. That is why the expert advises paying attention not only to the interlocutor's words but also to one's own emotional state after the conversation.

Toxic communication is not a single quarrel or just an unpleasant interlocutor's character. It is a stable pattern of interaction that systematically undermines your value and keeps your nervous system in a threat mode. The key word is pattern: something that repeats, not something that breaks out once every six months. And the most accurate sign is not a specific phrase, but the trace the conversation leaves in the body. If after communicating you regularly feel exhausted, guilty, or "less" than you were before, it is a signal worth paying attention to. When communication is regularly dangerous, the brain stops distinguishing a "difficult conversation" from a "real threat" and triggers the same reaction as to physical danger: tension in the body, rapid heartbeat, brain fog. This is not because you are "too sensitive." This is how physiology works

At the same time, the psychologist warns against overusing the term "toxicity" itself. In society, any discomfort or disagreement is increasingly automatically labeled as such, although even healthy relationships involve conflicts, different views, and unpleasant conversations.

And one more thing: this is not a "women's" topic. Both women and men can find themselves in toxic relationships, and not only a partner but also a close person, friend, or colleague can be toxic. However, not every discomfort is toxicity. Conflict, disagreement, someone else's boundary you don't like, honest unpleasant feedback - this is not toxicity, but a normal part of living relationships. The classic line runs between complaint and criticism. "I was upset that you didn't call" is a healthy complaint about an action. "You are irresponsible" is already an attack on the personality. The first builds, the second destroys. Toxicity is a pattern, not a bad day

Among the signs worth noticing, Maria Tsanko named the following:

•  after communicating, you regularly feel empty, guilty, or humiliated

•  you constantly watch your words to avoid provoking a reaction

•  your version of events is repeatedly found to be "wrong"

•  warmth is given in portions: sometimes closeness, sometimes sharp cold

•  you increasingly remain silent just to avoid conflict

At the same time, according to the psychologist, one of the main signals of dangerous relationships is repeated behavioral patterns. They may be unnoticeable at first glance, but it is precisely such scenarios that gradually destroy a person's trust and self-esteem. Particularly dangerous are manifestations that over time begin to be perceived as a normal part of interaction.

The most dangerous are not loud scandals, but what quietly repeats day after day and has already managed to seem like the "norm." The most indicative model of destructive communication belongs to psychologist John Gottman: observing thousands of couples, he predicted breakups with over 90% accuracy. He described four patterns called the "Four Horsemen": criticism of the person instead of a complaint about the action, contempt, defensiveness-counterattack, and stonewalling. Added to this is gaslighting — when your reality is rewritten: "you imagined it," "I didn't say that," "you're making it all up." Gradually, you begin to trust someone else's version more than your own memory. Phrases that often reveal this: "you're to blame," "you're over-dramatizing everything," "you made me lose it," "calm down" — said precisely when you are far from calm. But one such phrase on a bad day is not yet toxicity. To talk about toxic relationships, three things must coincide: a pattern (it repeats), an effect (you get worse over time), and intent (they seek to control or humiliate you, not just express themselves awkwardly). Without these three, it is often not an abuser, but a tired person — and that is a different conversation

According to the psychologist, people often do not even notice for years that they are in a toxic environment, and the reason is that destructive relationships almost never consist solely of negative moments. That is, periods of tension alternate with displays of care, warmth, and closeness.

Toxicity is almost never constant. If it were bad all the time, it would be easy to leave. It is difficult precisely because the bad alternates with the good. This involves a mechanism psychologists call intermittent reinforcement. Between episodes of cold, there are moments of warmth, and the brain clings to them like a win on a slot machine. The less predictable the warmth, the stronger the attachment. This is how a "traumatic bond" forms: it can be stronger than in equal, calm relationships. Why is it hard to see the harm from the inside? Because of the familiarity of the scenario, normalization of the situation, and low self-trust. A person increasingly begins to think: "maybe I'm exaggerating"

According to the psychologist, one of the most effective ways to protect yourself is to set personal boundaries. At the same time, many people mistakenly consider boundaries a sign of selfishness or unwillingness to maintain relationships. In reality, they help preserve psychological safety and inner stability.

First, let me remove one guilt: a boundary is not a wall against a person and not selfishness. It is information about you and about what is acceptable to you and what is not. And another point that is often underestimated: every set boundary slightly calms the nervous system. Because it returns the feeling that you influence the situation, not just endure. It is helplessness that exhausts the most. Most importantly: a boundary is not an attempt to change another person. It is about what you will do if the boundary is violated. Therefore, it does not need someone else's permission to be effective

However, the psychologist explained that not all difficult relationships require a breakup. Sometimes problems can be resolved through open dialogue, the willingness of both parties to work on mistakes, or with the help of a specialist. At the same time, there are situations where continuing such relationships can be dangerous.

I will start with what is least talked about now: the inflated label of "toxicity" pushes us to break what could still be fixed. So first, about the difference between difficult relationships and abuse. They are not the same thing. Relationships can still be improved if the person is able to hear that they caused pain and changes their behavior not in words but over time. Even in a difficult conversation, respect remains, and both bear responsibility. But the line beyond which "fixing" is already dangerous is contempt, control, isolation from loved ones, or fear. If there is violence in the relationship, the question is no longer how to fix it, but how to safely take care of yourself

Important: In case of domestic violence or the threat of its commission, you can call the national hotline at 1547, where help is provided around the clock and anonymously.

Maria Tsanko emphasizes that prolonged stay in a toxic environment affects not only a person's mood but also their physical and mental health. Constant stress gradually exhausts the nervous system, destroys self-confidence, and creates a feeling of helplessness. That is why it is important to notice warning signs in time and seek help.

The most harmful thing is not a single insult, but chronicity. The body is not designed to live in a constant state of readiness for a blow. When you are regularly told that you are "too much" or "not right," the brain gradually begins to consider it a fact. Self-esteem does not fall in one day - it is eroded drop by drop. And honestly: anxiety, apathy, a feeling of losing oneself almost exactly coincide with signs of depression. So this is not a reason to diagnose yourself, but a reason to look carefully at yourself. If the condition persists for weeks, it is a signal to consult a specialist. And asking for this help is normal

When a child needs the help of a child psychologist and how to choose a specialist09.06.26, 14:41 • 21676 views