First adult challenges: psychologist on the crisis of 20 years and how to overcome it

The beginning of adulthood often seems like a time of unlimited possibilities. However, young people often face feelings of anxiety for their future. After all, it seems that only recently you graduated from school, and now you have to be an adult and accept all the challenges of life. Therefore, instead of confidence come doubts, fears and constant comparison with others. Why does everyone around you look so successful, and you seem to be stuck in one place? And anyway, am I exactly where I should be? This feeling is familiar to many, and it has a name — the crisis of the 20s. 

UNN talked to Oksana Collins, a psychotherapist for crisis and transition periods of Life  about why the crisis of 20 seems so difficult , and how to turn this difficult stage into the beginning of your own development.

- What is the crisis of 20 years? How does it manifest itself? 

A crisis of 20 years is definitely not something that comes as soon as you turn 20. 

This is the period of a young person's life, which can occur mainly in the period of 20-30 years, sometimes a little earlier, when this person takes steps into adulthood: makes the first independent decisions, makes a lot of choices and, in fact, seeks and begins to build himself, his relationships, values, views on life, determines the paths of implementation. 

This is a process and a kind of psychological state that is lived as a moment of a certain turning point and confusion in life, when psychological needs are actualized and strengthened:

• in increasing independence (physical - to live separately, emotional - to make decisions independently, Financial - to have their own income), 
• in social activity (through employment and other social involvement: volunteering, etc.), 
• in influence (on your own life and others).

However, opportunities to meet these needs may be limited. Due to lack of experience, internal uncertainty, doubts, self-doubt, and a number of other psychological and social factors. 

As a rule, this period is characterized by a feeling of confusion, a certain uncertainty about one's own future, uncertainty about the correctness of the chosen path (for example, the chosen study or professional direction), as well as about relationships in which often the person with whom this relationship is built is considered on the subject: "is this my person?". 

This can be accompanied by increased anxiety due to a sense of great responsibility for your own future, for the choices made or that should be made ahead, fear of making a mistake, turning the wrong way, losing time, failing, or being unsuccessful.

- What factors contribute to the crisis of 20 years?

Depending on the person's life situation, ambitions, psychological characteristics, and the environment in which they grow up. 

Often, the main factor is the transition from the social role of a student/education applicant to the role of an employee/job seeker, and a certain pressure that a young person may experience. 

Typically, this pressure is associated with: 

• the difficulty of immediately finding a job, your vocation or your dream job (due, again, to a little experience, the situation in the labor market, competition), 
• expectations of the environment or formed internal ideas ("it's time to become independent/ already have your own income/" get off your parents 'neck"," you need to become successful by 30", etc.),
• a great force of internal desires that expand and scale (in particular, in relation to travel, Things, devices, a certain life style), which requires an increase in financial resources, 
• comparing yourself to others. 
• The latter is also amplified and distorted by the influence of social networks, as it gives the false impression that absolutely everyone is already successful, realized and rich, with cool relationships and real estate, takes their parents to resorts and goes only in brands (the keyword of this sentence is distortion) 

Of course, we should not exclude the internal factor. 

People who have high internal criticism and a low sense of self-worth are more prone to a quarter-life crisis, which often manifests itself externally in uncertainty, difficulty making decisions, lack of self-confidence, frequent doubts about whether I will succeed, and are prone to internal conflicts (in particular, inconsistencies between "I want" and "I can").

- by what signs can you understand that an age crisis has begun?

The beginning of any crisis is characterized, first of all, by internal feelings. 

Metaphorically, this can be described as the fact that a person becomes comfortable with what and how is/is organized now in his life and how his needs are met. 

This is definitely a feeling of discomfort and a desire for change, but at the same time a lack of understanding of what changes, how to implement it and what steps to start with. 

It also feels like an inability to find a place for yourself, have peace of mind, and feel complete and equal with others. 

- does everyone have a crisis of 20? Could it be that it was "asymptomatic"?

One way or another, certain signs of a crisis of 20 are familiar, if not to everyone, then to the vast majority. This is indeed one of the age-related crises. And it's perfectly normal to experience, live, and face it. 

But, it is the intensity, duration and complexity of the experience of this period that can vary and depend on individual circumstances and characteristics of a person. 

People who have support during this period, who are open to new things, who are ready to face challenges and live failures, perceive their own mistakes more easily and do not have high expectations about themselves and their actions, will definitely go through this period more easily. 

Instead, it may be more difficult for people who strive to be perfect in everything, have the best results, who have no internal right to make mistakes, move at their own pace, re-elect, change their minds, act in different ways, people who do not have close relationships with others, are more closed and with a high sense of responsibility and demands on themselves. 

And this does not mean that the second category of people is somehow worse or something is wrong with them. This does not mean that if you have the characteristics of this second list, then you should change yourself and push yourself to act in a way that is not typical of you. 

Usually, deep down, these people are more sensitive and vulnerable and need more attention to their feelings, states, more self-care, and more self-acceptance. 

should everyone immediately go to a psychologist with this problem?  

I think you can't call it an urgent need here, but going to a psychologist or psychotherapist in times of crisis can be an important support option, a place to understand and understand something important about yourself, sort out where there is confusion and find answers to your questions. 

Of course, it can be important, and sometimes directly critically necessary, to contact a specialist if during the passage of the crisis period there are red flags: anxiety or depressive states that interfere with everyday activities increase, there are obsessive or/ or also suicidal thoughts. 

- how does separation from parents affect this crisis?

Actually, separation from parents is one of the factors that touch on the occurrence of this crisis. 

In the internal dynamics of this period of life and this process, there is a conflict between the desire for independence and the desire for intimacy. 

It becomes critical for young people to feel not only separated from their parents ' family, but also whole, which often includes a sense of being able to take care of themselves in a broad sense. 

And at the same time, because of the fragility and fragility of the situation, there is a need to rely on others, their opinions, views, and have all sorts of support: verbal, moral, and material. 

Therefore, it is important here that the separation is a whole process, and not a one-time act and result. 

And it happens almost all a person's life, but, of course, it is during the crisis of 20 that a significant jump in this process can occur, and this can sometimes be painful, because these are powerful changes, and it is important to give yourself time to adapt to them.

- What tips can you give to make this stage easier?

• first of all, I would invite you to look at this crisis not as a problem that needs to be overcome or solved, but as a normal natural period of life. 

I have often heard from young people that they begin to blame themselves for the fact that it is not easy for them during this period, that they have difficulties finding a job, that they have not yet found their place in society or have not built relationships. Some even come to the conclusion that something is wrong with them, if they are not so simple, defined and goes with ease. 

I always repeat, and here I want to point out: "sometimes it's OK to feel not OK", this is not a reason to blame yourself and treat yourself critically or disrespectfully. 

• allow yourself to make mistakes, be imperfect, and fail. 

I know it sounds very cool and easy to say, but in practice it can be more difficult to implement and requires time and patience. But you can start with small steps, and sometimes even intentionally make mistakes, letting your brain know that it's not as scary as it sounds, and sometimes even useful. 

I advise you to watch a TEDx video with the story of a man who passed the challenge to get 100 rejections. A very inspiring example! 

• train yourself to reformulate problems in a task 

This is what we do in therapy or during counseling. A person, for example, voices: "I do not know what my goals are in life," this is a problem for her. In the course of the discussion, we come to the task based on this complaint: "explore what I want and strive for in life, what is important for me to have.

This is already something you can work with. 

But in general, you can practice doing this reformulation yourself.

• seek support

Wherever possible. This is not necessarily professional support. Friends, loved ones, mentors, books, movies. At any time, you will feel that you are being heard, understood, and accepted. 

Share your experiences, ask about people's experiences, so that you feel that you are not the only one going through it. 

• remember that there is little linearity in real life

This is about the fact that it often seems to us that our goal or desire in life is a direct one. But in fact, it is very often a winding road. This is a path, a process. 

And sometimes we see, draw in a representation, know one way to achieve, and it can be somewhat different, or more than one. 

• get to know yourself, the more you know about yourself, the more interesting and easier it will be for you: interact with the world, make choices, and look for opportunities.

This knowledge can be due to everything you devote your attention and time to. 

Even watching videos in Tick-Tock or walking down the street, you can get to know yourself by training self-contact and reflection. 

For example, if you feel that the person in the video really pisses you off, you can start asking yourself the question: "why? What is this about for me? What do I feel what? What is my need for this feeling now?" 

- does the passage of the crisis of 20 years have any impact on the future of a person? Which one? 

For me, any experience we have in life affects our future in one way or another. 

If we talk about the crisis experience, then exactly how it will affect it may depend on how much this experience will be processed and integrated by us. 

What is meant? This is when this experience becomes, so to speak, a lived story, not only in chronological terms, but also psychologically, when we can safely return to it, and not feel that something emotionally charged, painful or not lived remains there. 

It is valuable if we can also learn and realize certain gifts from this experience — what this period brought significant and valuable things to our lives, what we may have grown in, what we have learned, how we have changed, and so on. 

It is very important to be attentive to your psychological state and red flags (which I mentioned above as important indicators for seeking professional help), since timely receipt of qualified help can save you years of a full life.

- how does the passage of this crisis differ in men and women?

I assume that the difference may be that someone will be more likely to fall under gender stereotypes, which, unfortunately, still exist. And also under pressure from social expectations of men and women of a certain age. 

Unfortunately, women can still face the pressure that it would be desirable to give birth before 25. 

And men-that,  by this age, they should already be well financially secure, prepare for the role of "breadwinner", prove their "maturity" and ability to earn money. 

Men may feel that they are supposedly not entitled to feelings because they often think, "feel = be weak." Because of this, they can keep everything to themselves more, not share even with their loved ones, and seek less help when they need it. 

At the same time, tension needs to be released, and young people can look for ways to express it through alcohol abuse, substance abuse, gambling, or risky sports. 

Women can feel more permission to express their feelings, and this will definitely contribute to living through the crisis and finding a way out of it. 

Instead, women may face expectations of realizing themselves as a wife, a mother who cares about the home and family, and this may run counter to her desires, career dreams, and fulfillment.

- are there any positive aspects to this crisis? What can a person learn by going through it?

The positive side is that this is a period where you can experiment, study yourself, and try different ways to achieve what you want. This is a period of learning about yourself and the world, self-development and gaining new experience and mastering various skills. 

This crisis seems to invite you to think more deeply about the question: "Who Am I?"and" Where am I going?"a person living through this crisis can better define their values and find their own goals, namely those that belong to them, and do not arise as a result of social expectations or pressure from loved ones. A person can become more and more independent of the opinions of others and rely more on their own vision, feelings, and needs.

During this period, independence in decision-making, skills in solving problem situations, emotional intelligence, and the ability to cope with stress are somehow pumped up.

This experience can become an important support in the future, giving the feeling: "I have already coped with difficulties, I will cope again!"

The gift of this crisis can also be the realization that difficulties pass, they do not last forever, and that change is a natural part of life, and not a threat or challenge that needs to be overcome. This makes it easier to adapt to various changes and circumstances in life. 

Going through a crisis can also affect relationships. Often it is during this period that a person begins to understand who can be called "his own", what circle of people he wants to belong to, relationships with some people can become stronger, because there is a place for support and mutual understanding.

- How do you assess the role of self-development and self-knowledge in overcoming this crisis?

Self - development and self-knowledge are a very important component of living and overcoming the crisis of 20 years. You can say key! 

It is through self-knowledge that a person can understand himself more, study from different sides, thereby forming an increasing sense of integrity and self-worth within, which can give more certainty, confidence and the ability to navigate where to go next, what decisions correspond to inner desires, what goals are mine, what resources I need to achieve them. 

I will not list all the important achievements of self-development, because it seems obvious: it is development that gives us the opportunity to work out our experience, delve into our essence and master the necessary skills, which will definitely affect the reduction of fear of failure, clarification of life priorities and the ability to choose the necessary focus.   

- how does the crisis of 20 years affect romantic relationships? Can they be a source of additional stress?

In general, any crisis period can somehow affect relationships in a person's life. 

A person in a crisis can feel quite vulnerable and overestimate a lot of things in life. Including relationships, and think about whether, for example, the partner corresponds to her life values and goals. Simply put, the question is: "is that person next to me? Am I ready to move on with her?" 

Sometimes this reassessment can lead to the decision to end the relationship. Which is also OK. 

In addition, during periods of uncertainty and crisis, a person may need more support than usual. And sometimes it is emotional support: in acceptance, in lack of evaluation, in recognition that she is doing well and coping, doing everything in her power. 

First of all, the search for such support can be in a romantic relationship. 

But, unfortunately, not always, the other party may have the knowledge, willingness and resources to provide such support, which can affect contact and relationships in general. 

Often, because of this, conflicts can arise and this is what becomes a source of additional stress, because a person can generalize through this experience to the conclusion: "no one understands me and can not give me what I need now." 

From this, choose to isolate yourself more and close yourself with your difficulties, which is also not good for both the person and the relationship, of course. 

There is also a fairly common situation when partners in a relationship begin to move and develop at different rates, which can also become a source of tension and give a sense of a gap in mutual understanding. This can create various difficult feelings, and it is very important to give them a place, but due to the complexity of the period itself, not knowing how to do it so as not to offend the other, it can become an obstacle to this. 

-are there any books, courses, or other resources that can help overcome the crisis of 20 years?

To use the resources I recommend, first of all, you need to decide on the topic that you are most interested in: career, relationships, or self-discovery. Set aside 20 to 30 minutes a day for a reading, course, or podcast. Use reflection: write down your main thoughts and apply them to your life.

So, I advise you to pay attention to the following resources::

Books

 1. "Визначальне десятиліття: чому ваші двадцять років мають значення – і як їх максимально використовувати зараз"

Author: Meg Jay

 * a book about the importance of the twenties for shaping careers, relationships, and personalities. The psychologist gives practical advice on how to use this period of life effectively.

 2. "Велика сміливість"

Author: Bren Brown

 * on how to accept uncertainty and vulnerability in life to grow and gain confidence.

 3. "Designing Your Life: How to Build a Well-Lived, Joyful Life"

Authors: Bill Burnett, Dave Evans

 * practical tips for using design principles to create a meaningful and satisfying life.

 4. "Менталітет: нова психологія успіху"

Author: Carol Dweck

 * The Book explains how the "growth" mindset helps you cope with challenges and develop.

 5. "Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones"

Author: James Clear

 * on how small changes in habits can lead to big results.

 6. "Пошук людиною сенсу життя"

Author: Viktor Frankl

 * this classic book about finding meaning in life will help you understand how to find value even in difficult situations.

 7. "Quarter-Life Crisis: The Unique Challenges of Life in Your Twenties"

Authors: Alexandra Robins, Abby Wilner

 * a book on how to deal with the crisis of the 20s, with practical tips and real stories.

Online Courses

 1. " The Science of Well-Being "(Coursera, Lori Santos, Yale University)

 * A Course on how to create a happy and balanced life based on scientific research.

 2. "Finding Purpose and Meaning in Life" (Coursera, University of Michigan)

 * focus on finding meaning in life and forming long-term goals.

 3. "Designing Your Career" (Stanford Online)

 • A Course for those who want to decide on career priorities and plan their professional path.

 4. "Майстер-клас з особистісного розвитку" (Udemy)

 • covers various aspects of Self-Development: Goal Setting, Time Management, self-assessment.

Podcasts

 1. "Подкаст Мішель Обами"

 * Reflections on self-realization, relationships, and life priorities.

 2. "The Minimalists Podcast"

 * on focusing on the important and getting rid of the superfluous (in the physical and emotional sense).

 3. "How to Fail with Elizabeth Day"

 * interview various people about their failures and how they used them to grow.

 4. "The Psychology Podcast"

 • episodes on self-discovery, happiness, thinking, and career.

additional resources

 1. Diaries and planners

 * for example, "The Five Minute Journal" or "Self Journal", which help you reflect and plan your life.

 2. YouTube channels

 * "School of life": short videos about finding meaning, relationships, and career.

 • Matt D'avella: about minimalism, productivity and a healthy lifestyle.

 3. mobile apps for reflection and development

 * Headspace or Calm (for meditation).

 * Notion or Todoist (for planning and organizing).

Thus, these resources can be an effective support for overcoming the crisis of 20 years and building a happier and more meaningful life.